Category Archives: No. 286

Pessimistic Student Will Just Occasionally Yell “Safety School” At Visiting Ohio State

With the mighty Ohio State Buckeyes set to visit Northwestern on Friday evening, many students found themselves pessimistic, and in some cases completely resigned to defeat. But for one Medill sophomore, pessimism wasn’t a barrier to doing what she loves: putting down her opponent’s intellect. “I know our odds don’t look too great,” slurred Northwestern University sophomore Joanna Booth, in line outside of the student entrance at Ryan Field. “But there’s always a solution that makes us look really, really

Forgotten Freshman Survives on Allison Dining Hall Second Floor by Eating Class of ’23 Shirt

Police investigators breathed a sigh of relief last Tuesday after discovering Beinen freshman James Chavez in the second floor loft area of Allison dining hall, surrounded by scraps of the purple Class of 2023 shirt that he had consumed in order to stay alive.  “We found the student heaped in the corner shirtless, experiencing extreme indigestion from eating his clothing,” said Special Investigator Linda Forsythe, who headed the search team that was formed after Chavez’s Peer Advisor Ryan DeShields noted