Flipside reporters recently learned that Morty is “tired of those chauvinistic students who are only after me for my fat cash.”
“I’m so much more than a bulging wallet,” Morty reportedly tearfully lamented to BFFs, Patricia Telles-Irvin and Todd Adams, at their weekly sleepover. “I don’t understand how 8,000 undergrads can look at me and only see my ten-billion dollar endowment and multi-million annual salary. I’m, like, a really good listener!”
“Morty has so much to offer,” said Telles-Irvin in an email to the student body once Morty’s mom had picked him up the next morning. “It’s really unfair of all you students to keep expecting him to follow up on Northwestern’s promise of covering all demonstrated need. Like, come on, Morty has needs too – emotional needs. Who’s gonna cover those?”
Adams, however, had other things to say.
“I’ve just been feeling really weird about him lately,” said Adams of Morty. “Like, I don’t want to shame him or anything, but how are you going to let all these students in and then not put out some cash? It’s just a little hypocritical.”
Upon hearing Adams’s remarks, Morty broke down in tears and called the Dean of Students a “jealous slut.”