Mayfest Secures Duolingo Bird as “Ethnic Opener” for Dillo

Coming off of a week where they were accused of everything from appropriating black culture to confusing one Asian student for another, Mayfest was in desperate need of some good press.
It was language-learning company Duolingo that saved the day in the end. Last night, Mayfest officially secured the Duolingo bird to perform at Dillo Day.
“From day one, we wanted to create a Dillo Day for everyone,” said Bailee Golden, Mayfest’s Diversity and Inclusion chair. “Having the multi-lingual Duolingo owl as our ‘ethnic opener,’ if you will, is going to ensure that this Dillo isn’t just for privileged English-speakers.”
The Duolingo owl plans to translate each song into all 24 languages that Duolingo currently offers. Some might think of this as too exhausting but Mayfest’s social media Tyler Clark, WCAS ‘20, argued that the diligence is necessary.
“Whoever said ‘any press is good press’ was a fucking dumbass,” said Clark, “I haven’t eaten in three days. I’m on thin fucking ice. If this doesn’t get people to like Mayfest again, I’m gonna lose my job to some goddamn overachieving freshman for sure, I just know it.”
However, for some in the Northwestern community, the selection of the Duolingo bird has ruffled some feathers in a different way. Julia Waters, SESP ‘21, had a particularly intense reaction to the announcement. “I’ve been three months clean from Duolingo. But I can’t get that fucking bird out of my head. ‘Julia, come back to me. Julia, you haven’t finished your Spanish lessons! Julia, if you don’t finish Level 15, I’ll burn your house down like I did Notre Dame.’ And now Mayfest wants to bring this abusive piece of shit to Dillo? There’s no way I’ll be able to go without suffering a PTSD outbreak. Thanks a lot, Mayfest…”
At press time, the status of the Duolingo owl’s Dillo performance is up in the air after detectives reported “damning evidence” linking the bird to a Norwegian pyramid scheme.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.