This is Hubert Parsley (class of ’20), speaking to you live on-air from the newly-repurposed Telegraph Room in Deering, Northwestern’s only library.
“From day one, we wanted to create a Dillo Day for everyone,” said Bailee
Golden, Mayfest’s Diversity and Inclusion chair. “Having the multi-lingual Duolingo owl as our ‘ethnic opener,’ if you will, is going to ensure that this Dillo isn’t just for privileged English-speakers.”
“I just can’t get no satisfaction,” says the impersonator who vaguely resembles Mick Jagger.
In situations where she might find herself saying, “you’ll never guess who’s going to be on the Main Stage this year!” or “Guys, I have literally wanted a Ferris wheel on the Lakefill since I was born,” she now just stands there without making a peep.
During the performance of a highly amusing skit in which the members of the troupe pretended to be people with practical professions, one of the Barnyard Boys tripped and knocked over the elaborate array of candles set up to provide illumination at that late hour.
“Jesus fucking Christ, please tell me this isn’t happening,” Jason Rothman (WCAS ’19) said as he shook his head in dismay.
Local sources have reported that area freshman Barry Danovar reportedly said “Lol, more like Dildo Day, am I right” at a local party in an attempt to pick up chicks last night.
Sources have been reporting for the last few days that Northwestern President Morton “Morty” Schapiro has recently decided to bust out his temporary tattoo collection in preparation for Dillo Day.
The ranking, which will be displayed right below the “5th Best Dining” award on Northwestern’s Wall of Mediocre Achievements, came as a great surprise to the campus community.
“You know these kids are just gonna buy a new ID after you take it from them. So why not start up a side business?”