Former PBS Kid Goes Wild on Election Night, Tries Processed Sugar
As the nation held their breath Tuesday night and stared at the red and blue states lighting up their TV screens, sources report that McCormick senior Aiden Montessori, a former child actor for the Public Broadcast System, was staring at a different red and blue nightmare – his first-ever pack of Fruit Gushers™.
“I could actually feel my teeth rotting just looking at them,” Montessori reportedly told his roommates. “The Red Dye #3 was so bright it made my eyes burn.”
Raised on a steady diet of Curious George and hand-cut carrot sticks, Montessori reportedly decided to turn to the sweet relief of processed, chemical-laden sugary snacks as a management tactic for his election anxiety. Prior to submitting his Colorado ballot by mail, the squeaky-clean teen’s strongest urge to bathe in non-organic shame was when his lab partner, Sally, offered him half of an Oreo cookie behind the bleachers at the chaperoned sophomore sock hop.
However, after a terrible election day spent flipping back and forth between Bill Nye and CNN, Montessori knew he had finally found an emotion that The Electric Company and his mom’s Lamaze breathing had not taught him to process.
“We asked him if he wanted to just smoke a joint with us before we turned on the polls,” said J.Q. Public, Montessori’s roommate, speaking from his barricaded bedroom. “But Aiden insisted he was ready to ride the dragon with something stronger. Weed is too simple, apparently, because you know it grows in the ground.”
After reviewing the case Wednesday morning, forensic analysts determined that Montessori made it through three and a half Gushers before his body “literally started shaking like a nuclear reactor.” He then proceeded to literally bounce off the walls of the apartment in a fit that lasted all night, breaking several light fixtures and a water main. Montessori could not be reached for comment at this time, as he is still speaking at triple-speed until his sugar high wears off.