Soul Stuck In Purgatory After Failing To Show Symptom Tracker At The Gates Of Heaven
In an effort to slow the spread of the coronavirus, the afterlife has joined the likes of Northwestern University and implemented a self-check symptom tracker that individuals must display to gain entry to heaven. But the new COVID-19 guidelines have left many in the afterlife scrambling, even causing one soul to be stuck in purgatory after they failed to display a green badge.
Recently deceased soul Toby Trax claimed that the symptom tracking technology prevented them from entering heaven. “When I tried to scan the QR code they provided to download the app, my phone just completely shut down,” they explained. “I finally downloaded the app and answered all the questions, but all I got was the loading spinner that said it would take a few eternities.”
Trax informed the gatekeepers of their problem, but was told there was nothing that could be done. “It was ridiculous!” said Trax. “They totally could have just asked me those questions right then and there, but nooo, they needed to see a green badge.”
When asked for comment, the angels on guard duty said new reports have revealed COVID spikes in several different regions of the afterlife, prompting their vigilance. Even Satan has reportedly instructed his minions to disinfect their flaming whips in between lashings.
Meanwhile, Trax has been stuck in purgatory for eleven days and has little hope of moving on anytime soon. “It’s just constant tests and paperwork down here,” they said sadly. “I don’t even understand how they’re administering these tests. I’m a non-corporeal entity, I don’t have a nose!”