How To Feng Shui Your Freshman Common Room With One Lone Chair And 17 Ozzis

The freshman common room is a sacred space for all first-years, providing a harmonious atmosphere for growing and learning. Here’s how to rearrange the energy flow of that fourth floor lounge with a only a three-legged chair and every stolen Ozzi container that gives the dining hall workers trust issues.

First, you need to cleanse the room’s aura. Pour some Pink Whitney in the corners to ward off bad vibes. Next, configure the Ozzis in an optimal position for energy flow. They should be just enough in the way that your RA will trip on them, but not so much in the way that they see it coming.

Definitely let the girl down the hall with split-dyed hair bring in her energy crystals. You saw her once in the bathroom and you don’t know if she really has crystals, but you’re willing to bet on her to-go tarot card set that she does.

Remember to use the lone chair to your advantage and try orienting it in a few different directions. Window-facing screams “pensive philosophy major thinks they’re better than you and might be.” Alternatively, hallway-facing really says “econ major waiting ever so patiently to talk about the Dow Jones has heart set on being devil’s advocate in poli sci class.”

Once you’ve finished rearranging, it’s important to sit back and relax in your new space. Invite the only three people on your floor you’ve actually met this year and pray the rest don’t try to Zoom in. Don’t forget to open up those window shades! Make sure that all the schleps on their commute to class outside can witness the glory you’ve created.

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