Top 13 People Currently Having a Better College Experience Than You

As winter quarter takes its toll (yes, yours truly did fall on her ass in front of the Rock Cam, President Schill, and her Sociology 202 crush this morning), it seems like a great time to take a step back and reflect on how well literally everyone else in the world is doing.

  1. Your freshman-year roommate

For some reason, Jessica seems to be thriving now that she doesn’t live with you anymore. That’s just a coincidence. . . right?

  1. Your best friend from high school

In high school, she was a total bitch to you. She’s still a bitch, but now she’s in a sorority and doesn’t respond to your texts. You’re not sure why you’re jealous, but you definitely are.

  1. Your younger sister

Despite also living through your parents’ messy divorce, she seems to have avoided the family fear of intimacy and is also somehow dating the only guy on the swim team who’s never had a concussion. Score!

  1. Serena van der Woodsen

She’s rich enough that she can staple money to her midterm papers . . . and you’re pretty sure she’s hooking up with her professor. Capitalism win!

  1. Morty Schapiro

Morty spent decades on a college campus doing no work for yes money and now he is retired at the ripe old age of 69 (nice). You would kill for that life. (So would Morty.)

  1. The Guy You Went on One Tinder Date With Last Spring

He won’t make eye contact with you in Kresge, and his LinkedIn says he’s doing an internship on the bacteria in cow feces. Still, you miss him and his anchovy breath.

  1. Your Therapist

Is she in college? No. But is she living vicariously through you, without the trauma of interacting with theatre majors? Abso-fricken-lutely. Plus, she gets paid by the hour.

  1. Abed from Community

He gets to hang out with Childish Gambino and never goes to class. Enough said.

  1. Your Near-Death English Lit Prof

Dr. Veta seems to crumble at the edges when she’s in direct sunlight, but she’s got tenure!

  1. Rory Gilmore

Did she let America down by stealing a yacht with the least-hot of all her boyfriends? Yes. Is her mental health better than yours? Also yes.

  1. Every Resident of Linc—I Mean, Schapiro Hall

Housing selection at Northwestern is a direct result of late-stage capitalism. You’ll never be more than a Plex Peasant, and you need to accept that.

  1. The Campus Bunnies

These fluffy creatures are finicky and vicious—but unlike you, they’re living their best lives.

  1. Noah Schnapp

Sure, he’s studying Econ at Upenn 🤢. But this Stranger Things star is definitely having more fun than you, not to mention his $4 million net worth. Jealous? You should be.

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