Just a few days before Black Friday, the best holiday of consumerist America, President Donald Trump released some shocking news at an impromptu address to the nation. “Why should those people have an entire Friday to themselves? The best day of the week shouldn’t be used to promote certain agendas.” The president commented, “We need a new name for it. One that celebrates the true essence of this nation and what we stand for. One that promotes OUR agenda.”

Stores and websites across the country have been ordered to now advertise their sales as “Aryan Friday”, the new and approved name from the government. The main items on sale have also shifted from TVs and laptops to blue eye contacts, blonde wigs, and skin whitening cream. Anyone who refuses to abide by this name change has been politely told that if they don’t, they will be labeled as communists and thrown into a detention center where they and their families will be tortured and killed.

A few customers we talked to have supported this change and said that it’s “what he [Hitler] would’ve wanted”. Some shoppers argue that changing the name is messing with tradition, and the focus should instead be on the fact that the sales “aren’t what they used to be” and how “no one’s dying anymore”.

The president and his team also considered renaming ‘Cyber Monday’ but ultimately decided to keep it in case of a future AI uprising. “We don’t wanna be on their bad side when the day comes… We want to show that we’ve always been in support of clankers-I mean, computers.”