Tragic news for the alternative medicine community this week as Ben Hanson, former bassist of antivax boy band Granolaz, died from measles at age 13 in his Kalamazoo, MI home. Hanson was the last surviving Granolaz member following the death of Alex Jorgensen—the only band member to reach puberty—from tetanus-related illness in April. 

Hanson’s mother, alternative media figure Janice Hanson, was devastated by her son’s death.  

“I just don’t understand how this could’ve happened,” Janice told us. “I gave him enough vitamin A supplements to turn him orange and IV injections of raw milk, but the Lord still insisted on taking Ben back to His Kingdom.” 

Ben displayed a striking musical talent from a young age as fostered by his parents, both of whom were active in the alternative music scene and met at an audition for a Cheryl Crow backup band position. Janice, along with other parents in her anti-vaccine knitting circle, formed Granolaz so their sons could channel their love of music to aid in the fight against empirical medicine. 

Despite the band members’ deaths, Granolaz lives on through songs such as “Microsoft microchip blues (Make Me Wanna Holler)”, a favorite of current HHS secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr, who held a press conference to commemorate Ben. 

“Ben Hanson’s death, whether as a result of fluoridated water, a sudden cortisol spike, the local 5G cell tower, or the direct actions of anti-American extremists, is a wake-up call for all of us to keep on fighting the good fight against the Hippocratic cabal,” Kennedy told reporters. 

In a follow up tweet, Kennedy also offered condolences to Janice, saying “If there’s anything, ANYTHING, you possibly need, I’ll be very happy to help. You know I’ll be there for you, girl. ANYTHING ;)”. How wholesome! 

In lieu of flowers, the Hanson family has requested that attendees of the closed-casket, open-mask funeral provide dreamcatchers for their two surviving children and cryptocurrency donations to the family’s solar-powered farm.