From the Tri-State Area:

In a move that is sure to anger nobody in the Tri-State Area, Perry the Platypus, who is by now
well-documented to be an agent of the Chinese government, saw his shadow when emerging
from his den, startling him into returning to the comforts of his mud enclosure. For Danville, this
means residents will have to endure another 6 weeks of nefarious scheming at the hands of Dr.
Heinz Doofenshmirtz.

Danvillians surely went to bed last night hoping that today would mark the end of
Doofenshmirtz’s reign of aloof evil. Just earlier this year, the mad man’s antics included creating
a device that would disable all electric vehicle batteries and force commuters to overload
Danville’s poor public transport systems, brainwashing pigeons into stealing people’s jewelry
and bringing it to him, and infecting the city’s water supply with cholera. Today was supposed to
be the day that this nation’s Chinese-infiltrated law enforcement would put the foot down.
Instead, relying on a Platypus to fight organized crime turned out to be a poor decision.
As of late, the failure to stop Doofenshmirtz has become particularly embarrassing to residents
with the approved expansion of the Evil Inc. building which would see the Our Lady of
Perpetual Suffering Home for Wayward Children bulldozed to make way for a luxury condo
complex. Although hope for securing an indictment against Doofenshmirtz for conspiracy to
commit acts of terrorism with weapons of mass destruction, kidnapping, and other such crimes
long disappeared, it was believed that surely a fraud charge relating to incorrect financials for
Evil Inc. would stick. Unfortunately, a grand jury refused to return an indictment on that charge
after Doofenshmirtz threatened to freeze them all into giant ice cubes to chill the world’s largest
glass of iced tea.

All in all, these next 6 weeks are looking to be a bad one for the Tri-State Area. On the bright
side, people can now enjoy the brand-new roller coaster or tropical beach set up in one local family’s backyard.