His tyranny has been well-known amongst the members of this factual news outlet for quite some time now, however up until two days ago, the scheming eunuch Benjamin Auby had the decency to keep his Machiavellian machinations limited to those nearest to him. No more, it seems. Last Wednesaday, as an ominous fog descended over Evanston, there was only one culprit everybody had in mind, yet the scheming eunuch Ben Auby insisted he has NOTHING to do with the ominous fog descending over Evanston. 

“GUYS STOP YELLING AT ME I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING”, were the words the svengali cried out when he was confronted recently. What he didn’t realize however, was that the mirror he was standing in front of revealed that, the whole time, he had his fingers crossed behind his back. Diabolical. 

Evidence goes beyond this, however. Ben Auby was recently discovered to have a secret black magic dungeon hiding underneath his apartment building. Stumbled across by workers who ignored the “KEEP OUT, PASSWORD ONLY” signs, this hidden lair was comprised of an ominous cauldron sitting over a green flame, several tubes containing deformed clones of President Schill suspended in a liquid solution, a bidet, and a PlayStation 4. On the walls was what could only be described as his evil plans laid out. Entitled “Evil Plans Laid Out” and with the first three already crossed out, the whiteboard contained the words “1. Make Kyra disappear, 2. Remember to get UNSALTED butter, 3. Cause ominous fog to descend over Evanston, 4. Assassinate King Abdullah II of Jordan, 5. Take over world.” 

The plan seems so obvious now, how was it not discovered before? We should have known something was up when Auby received 11,780 votes to be the Vice President of Flipside, an organization with no more than 2,000 members at any given time. I mean, come on, it says “Scheming Eunuch, weather sorcerer” on his driver’s license. In any event, he needs to be stopped. I suggest a dance-off.