It’s a sad day in America when the liberal elite have come for yet another hallmark of traditional, Christian, American customs: the Christmas party. Recent plans for such a bash hosted by Flipside were culled once again by the liberal elite President of this organization: Kyra Lesmerises.

President Lesmerises, whose scorn for fun was made clear ever since her first order as President to cancel the spring break trip to Punta Cana, announced from her high horse that the plans for the annual Flipside Holiday Party had been cancelled by her and her alone. Although this was done tacitly out of a lack of enthusiasm by Flipside members that would attend, something about “it’s winter break and I can’t remember what my mother’s face looks like I need to go home”, the truth is plainly obvious: this is part of Lesmerises’s war on Christmas.

It was once thought that the war on Christmas waged by the liberal elites secretly running this country could be contained to declining shopping malls where religiously ambiguous Santa Clauses would ask children their wishes in front of a backdrop of baby Jesus wrapped in a keffiyeh. The mere idea that the like of Christmas cheer could ruin a college satire paper’s party plans seemed unthinkable.

If only President Lesmerises had listened to her members. If only she had listened to the majority or minority of Flippies who actually celebrate Christmas (the exact number not being known since the “Jewish Question” was removed from the official application form). Perhaps then Flippies would not have gone home to face their families completely sober and without any happy memories of blacking out on Leon St.

Thanks be to Allah that Kyra is only President for one more quarter.