With inspiration from previous exhaustive lists such as “Top 500 Albums of All Time”, “Top 500 Songs of All Time”, and “Top 500 Flipside Articles of All Time”, Rolling Stone magazine dropped a “Top 500 Epstein List Names of All Time” list in their latest edition. However, they faced intense criticism for a trait shared by all of these lists: a severe underrepresentation of Black celebrity perverts, and, to a lesser extent, female and queer celebrity perverts, compared to their white male counterparts.

“With all the Trump administration has done to hinder our recognition of Black success in America, Rolling Stone has done our community a great disservice by underrepresenting Black people in its Epstein list article,” said one longtime Black Rolling Stone reader in an interview. “Imagine how sobering an experience it is for a Black child to feel as if there was nobody like them on Epstein Island, doing unspeakable things with preteen girls while on designer drugs from a Russian biotech lab and proudly wearing their ‘fro.”

Rolling Stone denied allegations of racism in its reporting, with a spokesperson stating that the magazine “has consistently represented Black perverts and weirdos from Tyler Perry to Diddy, and shown our audience that being a rich, domineering creep truly has no race.” The magazine did, however, acquiesce to changing the original article, primarily by moving incarcerated R&B artist R. Kelly to the number one spot, dethroning president Donald Trump, who was reportedly furious upon hearing the news.

“I always win, dammit! ALWAYS!” Trump shouted, as one white house staffer recounted. “R. Kelly may have gotten Aaliyah, but I’ve gotten even younger ones!” 

Meanwhile, R. Kelly was delighted when he heard the news from his monthly phone call.

“It’s such an honor to be recognized for this achievement. I used to sing about believing that I could fly, and then I finally did, all the way to the Caribbean on a sound-proofed Learjet. I’d like to thank my manager, my lawyers, and all the fucked-up people in Hollywood and the music industry who made this possible.”

Some readers have also pointed out the relative lack of women on the list. When Rolling Stone objected that Ghislaine Maxwell was one of the most important characters in the entire saga, however, unimpressed readers called her a “Mary Sue” for weaving in and out of countless legal challenges “without even a scratch.”

We here at Flipside, for one, would certainly not mind seeing more diversity in future elite sex abuse cases and applaud Rolling Stone for their initiative to make voices like R. Kelly’s heard.