By simply watching the events of Kanye West’s life unfold, it is easy to see that getting divorced is one of the hardest things that can happen to a man, right below getting kicked in the balls. Sometimes the love of your life doesn’t come running back to you, and you have no choice but to become a Nazi sympathizer because if you can’t feel her warm embrace, at least you have the ever-warm embrace of the fiery pits of hell waiting for you.

At other times, you are a regular middle-aged man, already at stage six of the Hamilton-Norwood scale, and not a fan of a sports team with an appropriate baseball cap to cover it up. Liking the Red Sox is hard. And divorce is harder, which is why there is one clear solution: every child of a divorced dad should be legally required to get a Chipette to perform at their dad’s first single birthday party.

The Chipettes are sunshine and rainbows with a side of pizzaz. They’re furry, but they’re not furries, making them perfectly dad-appropriate. And they have just enough sass to entertain a man who has lost his personality and the love of his life. But not every Chipette is equally qualified for your dad. 

Brittany isn’t mature enough. She wears exclusively pink, AKA is a feminist social justice warrior who could really scare your divorced dad into buying a motorcycle he can’t ride. He can’t even drive stick, let alone join a gaggle of other cyclers whipping down Lake Shore Drive. Plus, she’s high maintenance. Your dad forgot to get a prenup; Brittany simply isn’t in his budget.

Eleanor is too clumsy to be good for a middle-aged man. She’s like a porcelain doll—always breaking her little legs and bones. Her pain will become your dad’s pain; he just lost a wife, he can’t lose a chipmunk. Plus, even though your dad has a PhD and likes to step forward whenever someone asks if there’s a doctor on the plane, he’s not a medical doctor and can’t fix all of Eleanor’s ailments.

The perfect, top-of-the-line Chipette for your recently divorced dad’s birthday party is Jeannette. She’s mature enough to remind him of a stern nanny, so he can replace his old mother (his wife) with his new one (a chipmunk). She’s nerdy enough to be valuable for the intellectual conversations he will inevitably have about Sartre—his new favorite author for non-performative reasons—but not too smart that she threatens his ego.

With Jeannette, your dad will forget he even misses his wife. Why care about Susan, his college sweetheart and mother of his children, when he has an animated chipmunk with a little pair of non-functional glasses by his side? She’ll be a great performer for him at all of his future birthdays. Heck, if you book her early, she might