Area Man Hit In The Eye By Incoming Text Message
Area Man Hit In The Eye By Incoming Text Message
Grover Cleveland Assassination Joke Declared âToo Soon,â Also Factually Incorrect
Grover Cleveland Assassination Joke Declared âToo Soon,â Also Factually Incorrect
Obama Considers â85 Bears Defense To Head Homeland Security
Obama Considers â85 Bears Defense To Head Homeland Security
Northwestern Women’s Lacrosse Team Turns Water into Wine
EVANSTONâSeveral members of the Northwestern Womenâs Lacrosse Team, who (hopefully) just won their fifth national championship in as many years, are able to turn water into wine and perform other miracles, according to several sources close to the team. âWe went to a party to celebrate the championship,â said senior leader Hannah Nielsen, âbut it was already dry. Luckily, thatâs no problem for us. They fetched us some tap water, and the party really got started.â Attendees of the party
Paper Clip Found Mauled on Side of Road
SKOKIEâThe corpse of a local paper clip was found dead on the side of Interstate 94 late last night. The condition of the body made it difficult to recognize. After reconstructive analysis, the clip was identified as Clippy [actual name], a local office assistant. The last known photograph of the victim is shown to the left. âWhile I wonât comment on the condition of the body, I will say that he wonât be helping anyone format any outlines in the
Cheney Defends Torture Policies, Jim Crow Laws, Compromise of 1850
WASHINGTONâIn yet another press conference, former Vice-President Dick Cheney reiterated his support for George W. Bushâs torture policies, comparing them to other unpopular legislation that was once heavily supported. âPresident Bushâs stance on torture regarding Guantanamo Bay detainees is not unlike the Jim Crow Laws of the 19th and 20th centuries,â said Cheney to a room of 250 reporters from all around the world. âThey both did a lot of good for a lot of people, and theyâve both received
Ask The Flipside – Will I Ever Get to Go Home?
Dear Northwestern Flipside, All of my friends are already home from school. Will I ever get to go home? Your number one fan, Randolph K. Hassenpfeffer Well, Randy (Iâm going to call you Randy whether you like it or not), the answer is quite simple: NO. You are in fact stuck here until you graduate. There is a secret clause in the housing agreement stating that all students are forbidden from being at home for more than a month while
Alcoholic Turns Down Free Natty Light
EVANSTONâIn a shocking move last Thursday morning, Joe âNo Liverâ Guggenheim, a local convenience store night-shift manager and alcoholic, turned down an offer of a free case of Natty Light. The offer came when the brothers of Tappa Tappa Keg realized that they bought more beer than they could fit in their car. The fraternity was stocking up for a big weekend bash to celebrate the coming of a full moon. Upon seeing Mr. Guggenheim drunkenly stumbling down the street
George W. Bush Proud of Being Able to Name Half the Presidents on Sporcle
CRAWFORD, TXâFormer President George W. Bush was described as âthe happiest heâs been in yearsâ Thursday after he successfully named 22 of the 44 U.S. Presidents on the popular trivia quiz site Sporcle. âGeorge was strutting around the house, grinning like he won the lottery,â explained his wife Laura, âI havenât seen him that happy since we got Saddam.â Mrs. Bush reported that her husband got off to a strong start, naming most of the early presidents and some more