Tag Archives: Lacrosse

Wildcat Fan Congratulates Field Hockey Player for Her Team’s Success

EVANSTON — When Bienen sophomore Kayla Toussmann found out that Emily DeGrout, her fellow sophomore and classmate in Italian 101-3, was on the field hockey team, she felt excited to be in the presence of such a successful athlete. “The field hockey team, like, never loses,” said Toussmann. “It’s the one sport our school is actually good at! When Emily told me, ‘Gioco a hockey su prato’—‘I play field hockey’—I was all like, ‘Oh mio dio! Questo è fantastico! Congratulazioni!’”

[Future Issue: 2161] “Sup, Brah” Hits Theatres

EVANSTON – After much anticipation, a new historical documentary entitled “Sup, Brah” directed by esteemed archeologist Dr. Thelonious Unk finally hit theaters last night to the delight of viewers worldwide. The documentary premiered at Cinemark Century Theaters. This was the first movie to be played there since the great nuclear conflict of 2086. An estimated 1.5 million people attended the premiere to further learn about the once-great civilization of the “Bros”. The film began with footage from a historical investigation

Northwestern Women’s Lacrosse Team Turns Water into Wine

EVANSTON—Several members of the Northwestern Women’s Lacrosse Team, who (hopefully) just won their fifth national championship in as many years, are able to turn water into wine and perform other miracles, according to several sources close to the team. “We went to a party to celebrate the championship,” said senior leader Hannah Nielsen, “but it was already dry. Luckily, that’s no problem for us. They fetched us some tap water, and the party really got started.” Attendees of the party