After the dust settled on another presidential tweet controversy, the nation came together and agreed that pissing off the minority group with access to weapons and training is the Trump administration’s greatest move to date. “Our goal as an administration has always been to further disenfranchise the already disenfranchised. But this time, we thought, ‘Why not go after the people with the tools and strength to fight for our beliefs, or in this case, theirs?’” said person who’s definitely not regretting working for the president Roy Higgins.

The announcement comes at a time when the Trump Presidency has already been having a complicated time connecting to minority groups. Higgins, speaking proudly with a nervous eye twitch, said, “The small need to be strong to survive among the big, you see? So every month or so we like to rattle the cages of the minority groups to toughen ‘em up. Boom, Mexicans are rapists. Boom, women aren’t fit for office. Boom, discrimination against LGBT people in the work place is totally okay. We’re doing this for them, don’t you see?”

At press time, the White House was frantically sandbagging the doors and windows as neat regiments of transgender Navy Seals politely waited outside to have a word with the commander in chief.

“Honestly, Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and the Trans ban are just measures to protect the LGBT community,” said Higgins through the keyhole of the White House bathroom, having blockaded himself in, “and our transphobic voters who don’t want to see them. The country has a long history of refusing to let minority groups serve, we’re just being patriotic!”