SCOTTS VALLEY, CA—Antares Audio Technologies, publisher of the massively popular Auto-Tune music software, has announced a collection of major upgrades that will finally allow singers like Justin Bieber and the Jonas Brothers to sound like they have testicles.
The new software uses specialized algorithms to boost the lower frequencies of a singer’s voice, and ensures that talentless pop stars and boy bands can at least retain a miniscule portion of their masculinity.
Auto-Tune’s creator, Dr. Andy Hildebrand, has held a series of interviews to promote his new product.
“The impetus for our work is actually quite simple,” Hildebrand stated in the smug, arrogant tone of a man secure in the knowledge that he has single-handedly ruined popular music.
“Before Auto-Tune was created,” Hildebrand continued, “the only way to change the pitch of an incompetent singer’s voice was to increase or decrease the speed of the recording, much like adjusting the RPM setting on an old vinyl record.”
“This principle, sometimes referred to as ‘Alvin and the Chipmunks Syndrome’, left countless singers sounding like prepubescent girls on helium. This had the regrettable effect of forcing those without vocal talent to, well, not sing.”
In 1997, however, Hildebrand released the first version of Auto-Tune, and those disheartened inartistic-but well-connected shmucks were finally given the chance to pursue their musical dreams at the trivial expense of sounding like androgynous freaks.
“It was a win-win situation,” Hildebrand explained. “I became filthy rich, and the Backstreet Boys became world famous without having an ounce of actual talent.”
“If they had recorded their genre-defying music with our new, improved technology, however, it might’ve sounded like they had a single pair of balls between the five of ‘em.”
Although teen superstar Justin Bieber was unavailable for comment, his managers, producers, and legions of fans expressed their eagerness to get Justin working with the new software as quickly as possible.
“Most people don’t realize it,” Commented long-time Bieber audio engineer “Motown” Jackson, “but Justin Bieber actually sings in a rich, husky baritone. Unfortunately, the little prick has about the same talent for pitch as a drunken karaoke fan, so we have to Auto-Tune his voice into oblivion.”
“I’m sure Justin can’t wait to share his natural, virile voice with the world!” Jackson laughed. “You wouldn’t believe how shocked people are when I tell them that Justin Bieber has testicles!”