
Michael Bublé to drop ten-minute version of “Santa Baby”

Bublé bares all with fans, expressing wishes like “a multi-seasonal career”.
Bublé bares all with fans, expressing wishes like “a multi-seasonal career”.
This is Hubert Parsley (class of ’20), speaking to you live on-air from the newly-repurposed Telegraph Room in Deering, Northwestern’s only library.
In situations where she might find herself saying, “you’ll never guess who’s going to be on the Main Stage this year!” or “Guys, I have literally wanted a Ferris wheel on the Lakefill since I was born,” she now just stands there without making a peep.
How did A$AP Ferg fill out his name on ScanTrons when there isn’t a corresponding dollar sign bubble? He must have taken a standardized test at some point in his life, right?
“My voice sounds really decent on an auto-tuned studio recording. Still, the acapella groups won’t accept me, even though at least half of them sound like you’re listening to an Instagram cover of Mariah Carey.”
The ranking, which will be displayed right below the “5th Best Dining” award on Northwestern’s Wall of Mediocre Achievements, came as a great surprise to the campus community.
Despite hours of intensely practicing George Michael’s hit singles, she reported being told to “shut the fuck up,” and to “douse that piece of shit in oil and light it up.”
“This gives us the opportunity to reach out even more to a population that is clearly faced with extreme socioeconomic disadvantages.”
A recent poll revealed that 86% of the student body labeled this year’s Dillo Day changes “inconvenient and unnecessary,” while only 24% of students could recall the names of the artists set to perform.
There are careers that make you say “oh baby” and “that’s” it and “right there” and “yes yes yessss,” careers that make you reconsider the ethics of cloning and make you sympathize with all perpetrators of identity theft.