There are careers that make you say “oh baby” and “that’s” it and “right there” and “yes yes yessss,” careers that make you reconsider the ethics of cloning and make you sympathize with all perpetrators of identity theft.
By Professor Donald Nally, Northwestern Conducting and Ensembles As some of you may know, a minor fracas occurred last week in one of my ensembles when a Masters student refused to sing an arrangement of a Walt Whitman poem, as his “independent research” had uncovered evidence that Walt Whitman was supposedly racist. This student even went so far as to file a complaint with the NAACP when I refused to let him cherry-pick the repertoire pieces he wanted to sing
CLEVELAND, OH — An area cynic has managed to ruin everything from our childhood that we ever looked back fondly on. Over the course of one rambling diatribe that the cynic called “a conversation” he proceeded to poke holes in everything we ever cherished. For example, he really hates 90s television shows and has no shame haughtily telling us so. In his words, “TV is lying to you, man. Clarissa never really does explain it all, does she? Also I
SCOTTS VALLEY, CA—Antares Audio Technologies, publisher of the massively popular Auto-Tune music software, has announced a collection of major upgrades that will finally allow singers like Justin Bieber and the Jonas Brothers to sound like they have testicles. The new software uses specialized algorithms to boost the lower frequencies of a singer’s voice, and ensures that talentless pop stars and boy bands can at least retain a miniscule portion of their masculinity. Auto-Tune’s creator, Dr. Andy Hildebrand, has held a
CHICAGO—Cubs owner Tom Ricketts told the Chicago Tribune that he’s found a new way to bring in revenue to the second highest payroll in Major League Baseball. Instead of fighting for ad space in and around historic Wrigley Field, Ricketts says he can help lessen the effect of declining attendance through walking billboards. “The ushers have always been a part of the unique ‘Friendly Confines’ experience,” a spokesman for the Ricketts family told The Flipside. “Now, they’ll play an even
EVANSTON—To the profound joy of the local senior community, the North Shore Retirement Hotel announced its acquisition of Northwestern’s Pick-Staiger Concert Hall yesterday. North Shore proprietor Bernie Segal explained his decision today in a heavily-attended press conference at Pick-Staiger. “It just seemed like the logical choice,” said Segal. “All of my residents were spending every evening at Pick-Staiger, so now we can save on transportation costs and give our residents the convenience they’ve been demanding.” When asked about the takeover,