No. 41

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Marathon Junkie ODs On “Runner’s High”

CHICAGO—Celebrations at Sunday’s Bank of America Chicago Marathon came to a crashing halt when one of the participants suffered from a runner’s high overdose. Thomas Peters, 36, collapsed when his muscles ceased to function just…

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NU Student Discovers His Shit Does Not Stink

EVANSTON—After weeks of posturing and discussing getting laid, Weinberg Freshman Alan Simpson discovered Thursday that his shit literally does not stink. The revelation came as a shock to many who knew him. “I was just…

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Demos Makes Field Goal, Parts Red Sea

Stefan Demos kicked a 45-yard game-tying field goal for Northwestern Saturday as angels ascended onto Ryan Field and Jesus appeared on the sideline to give Pat Fitzgerald a high-five.