EVANSTON—After weeks of posturing and discussing getting laid, Weinberg Freshman Alan Simpson discovered Thursday that his shit literally does not stink. The revelation came as a shock to many who knew him.
“I was just about to flush the toilet, when I thought, ‘Hey, that’s weird’,” Simpson said. “So I got a little closer, and sure enough, it didn’t smell bad, like, at all.”
Simpson’s roommate, Robert Talley, was caught by surprise.
“For the first couple weeks, he just seemed like your typical freshman douche, you know?” Talley said. “He was always talking about his father’s law practice and this girl who he almost fucked. I just thought he was full of it, but now I guess I have to get him credit – he is just naturally awesome.”
Although Simpson’s condition is rare, it is still sometimes seen in Americans, although it is most common among the French. Stanford gastroenterologist Stephen DuPont said that Simpson’s case is not isolated.
“For the most part, this is an incredibly over-diagnosed condition,” DuPont said. “For every 10,000,000 Americans who believe that their shit doesn’t stink, only about one can say that scientifically.”
DuPont even cited several specific examples of people who at first may have seemed like irritating blowhards, but actually were validated by their non-odorous feces.
“People like Sarah Palin, Martha Stewart and even Kevin Federline all seem like pompous windbags, but you really have to take a scientific look at their shit,” said Dupont. “And when you do, you realize that it actually smells kind of like cinnamon.”
Simpson reported that the discovery has provided his social life with a significant upgrade. “Dude, totally. At this point, I’m just rolling in it. I knew I’d end up being the Big Man on Campus, I just didn’t realize it would only take me three weeks.”
For Talley, Simpson’s roommate, the revelation has been difficult to accept. “I still keep having this overwhelming desire to call him a fucking douche and punch him in the nose. I keep reminding myself that his shit really doesn’t stink.”