Anti-Social Loser: I Hate Halloween
“I know college students take a lot of flak for wanting ‘safe spaces,’ but there’s just no room on campus for this kind of hate speech.”
Category Archives: Issue 204
Drunk Friend at Tailgate Will Totally Get Lunch with You Soon
Unfortunately, their spring quarter interactions were limited to quick hugs on Sheridan accompanied by hurried apologies for not staying longer.
Class of ’88 Alums Hook Up In Hinman
The Northwestern Alumni Association declined to comment on the affair, but Hinman CSO Mike Hanson says this isn’t unusual for Homecoming weekend.
Suite Mate Shocked Nobody Appreciates Her Accordion
Despite hours of intensely practicing George Michael’s hit singles, she reported being told to “shut the fuck up,” and to “douse that piece of shit in oil and light it up.”
Professor Gives Pop Quiz During Midterm
Since Monday evening, 30% of Wilson’s Gen Chem students have dropped chem, declaring majors in the humanities.
Ken Bone Recalls Glory Days
“It was a great run,” said Bone. “I’m so grateful the American people treated me so well all that time. There were some great moments.”
Paul Ryan Dutifully Picks Up Trump’s Dry Cleaning
“He seemed a little embarrassed about holding the bag.”
Area Parents Can’t Believe Son into Both Musicals and Women
“It was as if I had told them I wanted to have an abortion or transfer to McCormick—surprise, then a quick shared glance, then guilt, then forced smiles and a hug.”
Op-Ed: Northwestern Needs to Eliminate the Daily
“I get a lot more of my news from uncomfortable urinal conversations when I decide to pee adjacent to another dude in an empty restroom than I do from the Daily.”