Area Man Purchases Kindle, Forgets He Doesn’t Give Two Shits about Reading

EVANSTON—Evanston resident and self-described “gadget nerd” Eric Thompson spent nearly $200 on an Amazon Kindle today despite the fact that he hasn’t read a book in nearly three years.

“I just feel like these things are the future of reading, you know?” Thompson stated from the couch in his living room. “These e-ink screens are all the rage now, and I feel like if I don’t buy one of these babies, I won’t be able to read anything when physical books aren’t being printed anymore. Besides, you can also get the New York Times on this thing! How awesome is that?” To prove his point, Thompson downloaded the morning’s issue of the Times, spent 30 seconds reading the front-page headlines, and then promptly returned to watching TV.

“My wife keeps nagging me to read all of these books by some dead Swedish guy,” Thompson told me during the commercial break, “I think one was about hornets’ nests and shit like that. So, hey, maybe now I’ll finally be able to give them a shot-you know, having them all in one place and stuff. But then again, I heard they’re being made into movies, so why bother, you know?”

When asked if purchasing a Kindle could possibly compel him to read something other than the first 25 pages of a Dan Brown novel in the next decade, Thompson seemed hesitant to commit.

“Well, I guess so… I mean, I paid 200 bucks for this thing, so I might as well use it, huh?” Later reports indicated that Thompson read the first two chapters of The Girl Who Played With Fire and spent the rest of the afternoon searching for a “Hangman” application.

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