No. 45

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SafeRide Prius Actually Transformer in Disguise

EVANSTON—Northwestern University officials announced in a statement Sunday night that one Prius in the school’s SafeRide fleet is actually a Transformer in disguise hiding from the evil lord Megatron. The Transformer, Tigerzord, was hiding on…

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Lesbians deemed “Man’s New Best Friend”

EVANSTON—Anyone who has spent a significant portion of time around the fairer sex will have surely heard a woman express a desire to have a gay best friend. Women and girls around the world claim…

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Students Excited for Winter Misery

EVANSTON—Registration for Winter Quarter begins this week at Northwestern, and students are absolutely thrilled. “I hate all my classes!” joyfully exclaimed Weinberg freshman D.J. Grunthel. “I’m tired of them and ready for new classes that…