Category Archives: No. 45

Girl Vomits on Phi Psi; Second Hate Crime of Halloween Eve

EVANSTON—In a shocking display of prejudice, Ashlee Jones, Delta Zeta sorority sister, threw up on the front steps of Phi Psi’s fraternity house Saturday night. Jones, who was dressed up as “sexy Big Bird,” consumed three Jello shots at Delta Upsilon, five Natty Lights at Pike, and one “something fucking delicious” at Lodge. “This was obviously an attack on Phi Psi. She didn’t get the alcohol from us. Her stomach contents were her metaphorical pen, hate her message,” said Phi Psi

Baseball Proves Football Superior to Hockey, says New Yorker

NEW YORK—The baseball season officially reached its end last Monday when the Giants won the World Series over the Rangers in five games. Experts cite many factors supporting the outcome, such as the Giants’ deep pitching staff, their home-field advantage, and their timely hitting. However, one fan from Queens, NY uses a much simpler reason to explain why the Giants beat the Rangers: “Hockey sucks”. “You agree, right? Hockey does suck compared to football,” continued New Yorker Marissa Miller. “Football

Health Standard for Happy-Meal Toys Causes Imports from China to Drop by 90%

SAN FRANCISCO—The Chinese economy recently took a hit due to a new San Francisco law that bans restaurants from giving away toys with any meals deemed unhealthy. San Francisco, deemed one of America’s 100 fattest cities in 2010 by Men’s Health, immediately put a hold on all imports of Happy Meal toys. “We already had several warehouses full of toys for local restaurants,” said importer/exporter Art Vandelay. “With the new law, it will take years to get rid of all

Obama Completes Every Quiz on Sporcle; Republicans Win the House

WASHINGTON—President Obama announced his accomplishment of all 116,365 games on Sporcle one week after the 60-seat Republican sweep of the House. With Republican legislators sure to halt any legislation supported by the Democrats, Obama now has free time to kick back in the Oval Office. “After Tuesday night, I got to thinking about all of those college-aged young people who came out in droves for me in 2008 and considered going to polls this election but decided to watch The

SafeRide Prius Actually Transformer in Disguise

EVANSTON—Northwestern University officials announced in a statement Sunday night that one Prius in the school’s SafeRide fleet is actually a Transformer in disguise hiding from the evil lord Megatron. The Transformer, Tigerzord, was hiding on Earth after fleeing Cybertron, its home planet. Tigerzord failed to steal the mighty Allspark from Megatron, and thus was forced into hiding to avoid the wrathful robot’s ruthless minions Starscream, Bonecrusher, Frenzy and Brawl. Tigerzord was discovered when it mistakenly transformed while carrying several sorority

Giants Win World Series, San Francisco Too Blazed to Give a Shit

SAN FRANCISCO—When Brian Wilson recorded the final out of San Francisco’s Game 5 victory over the Walker Texas Rangers, the entire city was thrown into euphoria. The celebration, however, was not a result of the Giants winning the World Series for the first time since the Fifties. More importantly, the day marked 44 years and three weeks since the Beach Boys released “Good Vibrations.” “It’s a well-known fact that the Beach Boys and Mary Jane is a more American combination

Lesbians deemed “Man’s New Best Friend”

EVANSTON—Anyone who has spent a significant portion of time around the fairer sex will have surely heard a woman express a desire to have a gay best friend. Women and girls around the world claim they would love to have a gay pal to discuss fashion, provide emotional support, and just generally feel comfortable around, and in recent years the “GBFF” has become a rather trendy fad. In the past, men have expressed discomfort about these friendships, some fearing being

Students Excited for Winter Misery

EVANSTON—Registration for Winter Quarter begins this week at Northwestern, and students are absolutely thrilled. “I hate all my classes!” joyfully exclaimed Weinberg freshman D.J. Grunthel. “I’m tired of them and ready for new classes that I will learn to hate!” Upperclassmen concur that classes never get any better. “I’ve had my share of quarters here,” said Medill junior Sarah Shamara. “I can’t remember enjoying any of them. But I am super psyched for a change in my classes! There certainly

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