Coat Strategically Placed at Party for Quick, Drunk Exit

EVANSTON – Jessica Stamford, a student first and partier second, has found ways to become more efficient and economical with her weekly drinking binges. The pre-med sophomore has developed a foolproof plan to get drunk quickly and go to sleep early enough that she can get a head start on Organic Chemistry the next morning.

“Being a pre-med, I’ve got some tough classes, but that doesn’t mean I can’t get my party on every Friday and Saturday night for thirty minutes,” Stamford explained to The Flipside. “I don’t have time to mess around at these house parties. I find the hard stuff and after about six or seven shots, I feel I’ve fulfilled my social duties as a college student.”

It’s not uncommon for Jessica to find herself stumbling home without her jacket, as she’s often too drunk and in a hurry to find it amongst the seemingly endless pile of North Face conformity.

“Locating your coat in ‘the coat room’ is utterly hopeless, even if you place it somewhere you think you’ll remember. I’ve gotten really creative recently. I painted a big ‘X’ on the back of one of my jackets, but I lost that one. I hung one on a ceiling fan once, but that didn’t work out. I mostly just take my jacket off before I go inside and throw it into some bushes nearby.”

Jessica has begun to set a trend amongst Northwestern girls, many of whom have developed new techniques for coat hunting.

“I leave myself notes,” added Medill junior Allie Freighter. “Once I leave my coat somewhere, I write down its location, although usually that note ends up in my coat pocket…so…yeah.”

Kappa Alpha Theta sorority president Sara Binder says she has taught her new pledge class to tie their coats together into one long rope when attending the same party. “It really teaches good team building strategies, not to mention knot-tying skills. Plus, it’s, like, super easy to find everyone’s coat, and you can all leave the party together!”

There is, however, one strategy guaranteed to ensure that you never lose your coat when attending a party. Don’t wear one. It may be cold on the way over, but if you succeed in getting drunk enough, the walk home should be plenty warm. The tactic of not going out to drink is also effective, but that would mean you’d have to drink by yourself, leaving you to balance warmth with abject misery.

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