Bin Laden Dead at 54; Just One Week from Retirement

ABBOTTABAD, PAKISTAN – Insurgents everywhere were shocked to hear of the death of hardworking everyman Osama bin Laden, who was gunned down in the line of duty on Sunday just one week before his retirement. His peers remember him as a blue-collar, tough fundamentalist who shouldn’t have insisted on performing one last jihad before hanging up his sandals for the final time.

“Everyone at the compound loved him,” lamented Ayman al-Zawahiri, who served for many years as bin Laden’s partner, “Every morning he brought two dozen falafel to the office. It always brightened everyone’s day. We’re sad to see him pass on so close to his retirement.”

Al-Zawahiri tried to prevent bin Laden from his regular reconnaissance, but the wanted criminal insisted. “Come on, he told me,” the militant explained, “’What’s the worst that could happen? One week from now I’ll be in Cabo working on my tan. I just feel I owe this department one more round of duty, you know?’ I wish I had known, so I could have stopped him.” An American sniper first aimed at al-Zawahiri, but bin Laden pushed him out of the way and took the bullet. “It was a brave act,” said the new Al-Qaeda leader, “and just goes to show how gosh-darn selfless Osama was.”

The card that all of bin Laden’s fellow terrorists signed for his retirement party had to be quickly edited; it currently hangs in the Al-Qaeda break room as a makeshift vigil, on which coworkers have placed items symbolic of their relationships with the radical insurgent, including food wrappers, packs of smokes, and at least one Furby. “He always had a weakness for Furbies,” explained a teary eyed al-Zawahiri, “he used to…used to…oh I can’t take it anymore.”

Al-Zawahiri, 59, just ordered the last piece for his life-size model railroad. It is expected to arrive in two weeks. “Every morning I wait excitedly for the mailman to come. Barring any unforeseen circumstances, my life’s work will be complete very soon.”

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