Class of 2015 Facebook Page Causes Mass Confusion

EVANSTON – The relatively late start of fall quarter caused not only boredom, anxiety, and a head start on the Freshman Fifteen, but it also inspired incoming freshmen to let out their bottled emotions through the help of the “Northwestern University Class of 2015” Facebook page. This led to seemingly bizarre and embarrassing posts that forced freshmen to worry about the sanity of their classmates. Worry not, Class of 2015! Here is an abridged translation guide that might clear up that confusion:

Translation: I’m about to shit in my pants with anxiety.

Post: I’m going to buy a bazooka and threaten the entire Undergraduate Housing Office.
Translation: I got put in Hobart House.

Post: I’ve wanted to be pre-med ever since I started breathing.
Translation: After taking orgo I will switch my major to linguistics and in four years will be unemployed with only a diploma and boxes upon boxes of purple swag to my name.

Post: Who else is in Bienen???!!!
Translation: In four years I will be living in the same cardboard box as the linguistics major.

Post: Today I ate a sandwich! With PURPLE jam! On a PURPLE plate! With PURPLE Fanta!
Translation: PLEASE SOMEONE TALK TO ME. ANYBODY. I have had the sole companionship of my cat for the past month.

Post: SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! ERRRYBODY!!!!! No seriously, who lives in Bobb and is gonna get wasted with me?
Translation: I was brought up in a strict Mormon family and have never even had a glass of wine.

Post: I don’t really understand this rivalry with U. of Chicago. I mean we’re both great schools, we don’t even play them in football, why does this stupid competition exist?
Translation: I was hacked.

Post: Just so we can get to intimately know our 2000 classmates, what’s your favorite band?
Translation: I will be that kid who everybody meets for the very first time at graduation.

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