“I literally even put some of them in an Insta post, and now this is how I get repaid?”
Northwestern prides itself on refining the most tantalizingly brutal method to this transition by giving freshmen an extended period of fun-filled programming, then immediately thrusting them into midterms.
“In years past, the water bottles were the perfect symbol for productivity and refreshment. But these days we count ourselves lucky not to contemplate our mortality every 5 seconds.”
It has also been rumored that the board may be holding auditions for a penny whistle player the lead the army of awkward and purple-clad freshman onto Ryan Field during halftime.
“We can get brunch as a PA group and try each other’s food without having to ask for a sterilized fork now; it’s very liberating no homo.”
Northwestern’s Alcohol ENU, long ignored by students, has recently come under fire for releasing a survey of PA drinking habits.
“I think we’ll all remain friends for most of our time here. Heck, we all wear the same purple t-shirts!”
Another student, Franco B. Iglesias noted, “I started to suspect something when he wouldn’t stop emphasizing how great our social lives would be at Northwestern. I could literally smell the BS.”
Inside the illicitly-occupied buildings, things were getting a bit crazy. Freshman boys from Bobb pretended to know how to smoke marijuana and only coughed a lot a little.
Before leaving, she informed her floormates that her door was unlocked so they were welcome to go in and get some of her mom’s “famous peanut butter cookies.”