[Graduation Issue] Study: 50% of Graduating Seniors Already Alcoholics

WASHINGTON – A new report from the Department of Education has noted an alarming increase in per capita alcohol consumption by graduating college seniors. The report notes that while a rate of alcoholism of 50% or higher is not unusual amongst the general population, it is a worrying sight when observed in those who haven’t even entered the current job market yet.

Richard Shamberg, social psychologist and author of the report, was called to testify before a special committee in Congress.

“The real world is gonna hit these poor schmucks like a sack of bricks,” Shamberg noted, sneaking sips from a hip-flask between questions. “It’s inevitable. There’s nothing wrong with a little sauce when the world constantly stomps on your dreams, but these kids need to wait until they’re bitter shells of humans whose only memory of happiness is seeing it cruelly snatched away. If these kids are already alcoholics, just imagine how low they’ll sink after they experience chronic unemployment.”

Amanda Bennett, a graduating Northwestern University Physics major with a 3.9 GPA attempted to refute Shamberg’s report, but tripped over her own feet and started giggling.

“You really need to catch her before noon,” a roommate advised. “In fact, you might want to come back tomorrow. She’s never at her best on Tuesdays.”

Many educators believe that increased pressure on teenagers and young adults over the past several decades has led them to begin drinking at younger ages and drink more while in college, before cynicism has had a chance to fully set in.

“The absolute worst part? These kids are drinking for fun,” Shamberg told the committee. “In their youthful exuberance, these kids have begun to treat drinking as a social, life-affirming event rather than something you do alone at 4AM in a shitty downtown bar because you just can’t bear to face the next day. Poor fools.”