NEW ORLEANS, LA — Between the San Francisco 49ers using Tupac’s “California Love” as their run-in music and the fact that the 49ers were actually played, Super Bowl XLVII proved it could effectively time travel to 1999.
At the request of Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis, NFL officials decided to bend the laws of physics to go back in time before “the incident.” Lewis was looking for a repeat of Super Bowl XXXV, which included a MVP-winning performance and performances by his personal favorites: the Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, and *NSYNC. However, Lewis said this time he wouldn’t bring a white suit with him to the big game.
The NFL helped accommodate Lewis’s request with a Destiny’s Child reunion. When every college-aged male was reliving their boyhood fantasies of having a ménage à trois with Beyoncé, Kelly, “and that other one,” NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s halftime show used more people in tight pleather since Britney Spears’s “Oops I Did It Again” video and a well-timed power outage to warp the fourth dimension.
Unfortunately, at some point during the game disruption, nine San Francisco fans were found dead in a maintenance closet in the basement of the Super Dome. Ray Lewis is still hoping to receive MVP.