LOS ANGELES, CA — Following a sprawling, state-wide search for former policeman and army reservist Christopher Dorner (in which the alleged killer is believed to have perished in a cabin fire) anxious LAPD officers opened fire on a pot roast in a butcher’s display window that officers mistook for the former suspect. Despite firing over 50 shells at the pre-cooked beef dish, officers did not manage to hit their target once, instead injuring 10 customers deeper within the shop. Thankfully, no deaths occurred.
Police spokesmen defended the officers’ actions, claiming that the pot roast had been behaving in a suspicious manner and matched the suspect’s current description at first glance.
“Make no mistake about it; Chris Dorner is a savage thug and a threat to the safety of our fair city,” said Police Lieutenant Jeremy Wilkins, “and we will spare no expense or restraint in tracking down-“
A collection of gunshots reverberated through the precinct; a rookie beat cop had mistaken the 60-year-old, white Wilkins for Dorner and opened fire without hesitation. All three shots hit the ceiling.
Police officials present opted not to discipline the officer, who, upon recovering a side-arm, exclaimed “HOLY SHIT IT’S DORNER!” and trained his sights on a female, Asian NBC reporter. Thankfully, the weapon’s safety was on, was unloaded, and was actually a NERF gun.
The citizenry of Los Angeles have reacted with dismay to the events of the past week, unsure where best to direct their fury: the psychopath who allegedly murdered four innocent people and injured more, the incompetent police force who clearly had no intention of bringing him in alive, or a fucking moronic segment of the general population who seem determined to make a folk hero out of a mentally unstable cop-killer.
As of press time, media reports indicate that the LAPD has been forced to burn down the butcher’s shop, as the pot roast has obstinately refused to surrender peacefully.