Jay Cutler Announces Early Retirement, to Pursue Dream Career in Investment Banking

CHICAGO — Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler stunned the seventy people who follow the NFL in the off-season when he announced his retirement at a surprise press conference.

“It’s time for me to move on,” said the disgruntled quarterback. “I’m tired of getting sacked by Clay Matthews and Ndamukong Suh. I’m tired of throwing interceptions. I’m tired of having my toughness questioned, of being called weak.”

Cutler said he plans to pursue his other dream job. “Being a starting NFL quarterback is really only half of every little boy’s dream. I need to stay true to myself—I need to become an investment banker,” said Cutler.

Cutler explained that the appeal of investment banking lies in the money, the opportunities for advancement, and the hot chicks. “Plus, I really think a career in the financial world will help me make the world a better place.”

Cutler believes that the decision to leave the NFL for a classy desk job will silence his critics, proving once and for all he has the manliness to make tough decisions and the strength to pursue his dreams.

The Chicago Bears, meanwhile, are scrambling to find a new starting quarterback, lacking confidence in recently signed backup Matt Blanchard. Head Coach Marc Trestman has suggested several candidates who will prove to be better than either Blanchard or Cutler could ever be, including bringing Vinny Testaverde out of retirement, attempting to sign free agent Seneca Wallace, or hiring the first guy they find walking outside Soldier Field when training camp starts.

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