Prospective Student Who Has Never Had Sex Brags about How Much Sex He’ll Have

EVANSTON — At dining halls across campus, conversations among visiting prospective students soon transitioned from ACT scores and other colleges under consideration to the inevitable pressure to demonstrate how cool they are.

Research from the Flipside Institute of Statisticology suggests that only one in fifty students will remember someone next year that they met on admitted student day. Some incidents of actually recalling the other person’s name have been reported—both during Wildcat Days and months later. Facing these daunting odds, some prospective students have made it their mission to establish a reputation as someone who is “hot stuff” because of the amount of “actual intercourse” they have.

“I have sex all the time, but in college, I’m going to have it even more,” reported Bill Matter, an 18-year-old high school student who has never had sex. “Every night will be like prom. I’m going to use each condom at least three times.”

He went on, uneasily but with increasing confidence, to a table of other nametag clad high schoolers who had rebelliously blown off second semester by skipping one day of school and occasionally putting off homework for hours.

“I bet the girls are even better at sex at Northwestern,” Matter said. “It will be great going for one to three hours. And doing it the whole time as fast and hard as they do it in the movies—maybe faster and harder. When I finish with one girl, I’ll go across the hall and start right away with the next. I usually get a girl to orgasm three times.”

“I really like doing it reverse doggy style,” he added.

When asked by a fellow prospective student that it seems like he plans on making a lot of girls wet, Matter replied, “No, that sounds gross.”

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