Derrick Rose Announces Retirement, Will Join Giordano’s Marketing Team as Pizza Model

CHICAGO — Thousands of Chicago Bulls fans rushed to the United Center today to hear Derrick Rose’s press conference, at which Rose stunned fans when he proclaimed, “I’m taking my talents to Giordano’s.” Rose declared that he would not be participate in the 2013-2014 NBA season. Instead, he will devote his time to pizza modeling.

Rose is famous for his Giordano’s marketing campaign, a product that has been largely responsible for Chicago’s rampant obesity problem. “I love playing basketball, and I enjoy it the most when Bulls fans continually bitch about me not having returned,” said the Chicago point guard.

Rose, a Chicago native, then said, “But what I love most in my life is modeling deep dish pizza. Nothing epitomizes Chicago more than fattening foods.” Despite his incredible potential and killer crossover, Rose decided that this would be the best move for him and his family.

Rose said the billboards depicting him with Giordano’s pizza that have sprung up around Chicago are just the beginning; he plans to roll out a 12-month fireman-style calendar titled “The D is not Silent.”

Many fans were disappointed by Rose’s decision, but Rose’s teammates were understanding. Bulls center and “Dancing with the Stars” participant Joakim Noah was elated, stating, “When I get high, which is literally all the fucking time, I love eating deep dish. Trust me, Derrick’s gonna do great selling food for the munchies.”

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