Tag Archives: NBA

Derrick Rose Announces Retirement, Will Join Giordano’s Marketing Team as Pizza Model

Leave a comment

CHICAGO — Thousands of Chicago Bulls fans rushed to the United Center today to hear Derrick Rose’s press conference, at which Rose stunned fans when he proclaimed, “I’m taking my talents to Giordano’s.” Rose declared that he would not be participate in the 2013-2014 NBA season. Instead, he will devote his time to pizza modeling. Rose is famous for his Giordano’s marketing campaign, a product that has been largely responsible for Chicago’s rampant obesity problem. “I love playing basketball, and

Read more No. 114, Sports

Kobe Bryant Unlocks NBA’s Chastity Belt; Stern Says Put a Ring on It

Leave a comment

LOS ANGELES – While on an archaeological dig in Turkey, Kobe Bryant discovered the key to David Stern’s chastity belt. “Now that we have this key at our disposal, the lockout seems like a joke,” said Los Angeles Laker Derek Fisher. “All we have to do now is find Stern’s keyhole, and we can mount better negotiations.” Stern is still standing firmly erect with the owners on the lockout issue as of now. “Look, I understand Mr. Bryant has discovered

Read more Articles, No. 65, Sports

Commissioner Stern Reinstates NBA Doesn’t Care Charity

Leave a comment

NEW YORK—Going back to the league’s roots, NBA Commissioner David Stern has replaced the NBA Cares initiative with the more accurate NBA Doesn’t Care policy. “I was tired of seeing my superstars lying to the public,” explained Stern. “They really don’t give a shit about the co How To Talk To An Ex Girlfriend You Want Back mmunity.” Gone will be the forced commercials featuring little kids smiling while tall basketball players glance awkwardly at the camera pretending that this

Read more No. 34, Sports