TAMPA, FL — New research published by the American Medical Association has indicated that the most blissful, relaxing vacation imaginable is at least 8% more stressful than daily life if even a single family member is in attendance. AMA Vice President Carol Legrande presented the findings at a makeshift podium 50 yards away from a Tampa, Florida beach, desperate to get away from her 68-year-old mother for just a moment or two.
“Not that we’re not having a fantastic time together or anything,” Legrande began, unconsciously rubbing the back of her head. “But I have a lot of work to do, you know? Some things just can’t wait, even when your mother wants to gossip endlessly about people you haven’t seen since 1986 despite it being your vacation too.”
Legrande warned reporters that visiting luxurious hotels, perfectly-manicured beaches, and 4-star restaurants with even tenuously-related kin could potentially do irreparable damage to an average adult’s heart. AMA literature recommends that all persons currently on a family vacation, or those who may have been exposed to a family vacation in the last six months, spend three hours in a rush-hour traffic jam or on a crowded, filthy subway car in order to lower their heart rates back down to acceptable levels.
“We are facing an epidemic,” Legrande warned, devotedly ignoring her 6-year-old’s pained shrieks for her attention. “Our scientists have discovered a concrete link between family vacations and such anti-social activities as binge-drinking, reckless driving, and first-degree murder. Thankfully, our top men are working on a solution as we speak.”
Legrande went on to detail a new engineering project being spearheaded at the AMA’s Chicago headquarters:
“They call it a ‘cubicle,’” Legrand explained, checking her statements against her printed notes. “Apparently, it’s a device intended to isolate you from the rest of the world through soft fabric walls, and has proven quite adapt at keeping test subjects from any sort of contact with their families for days at a time.”
“With any luck, this is exactly the sort of breakthrough that will postpone first heart attacks until the ripe old age of 66. And if that doesn’t work, you could always try auto-erotic asphyxiation.”