[Tabloid Issue] RETRACTION: Morty Schapiro Is NOT Bigfoot, But May in Fact Be Jewish
The editors of the Northwestern Flipside would like to retract a story published in last week’s Celebrity Gossip section. After careful reanalysis of the evidence, we have come to the conclusion that university President Morton Schapiro is NOT a 7-foot-tall, grey hair-covered Sasquatch, but may in fact be a member of a secret Illuminati-esque society that has thoroughly infiltrated American higher learning since the 1970s: The Jews.
Eagle-eyed readers pointed out that Morty fails the definitive Packard-Woller Extraterrestrial Examination; every photo that we’ve surreptitiously taken of him has come out in clear focus and full color. However, a follow-up comparison to the Tanzer-Pfaff Jewish Ratio found that the name “Schapiro” has the requisite 5:3 proportion of consonants to vowels, denoting an approximately 78% probability of Jewishness. Also, you can sort of just tell by looking at him.
We must admit that it’s quite exciting to watch a conspiracy unfold before our eyes. While Schapiro’s ultimate plans are unclear as of yet, our analysts are certain that his first move will be to secure reinforcements by sneaking more Jews onto the university’s Board of Directors. With that feat accomplished, his next step will be to produce propaganda by having Jews take over Northwestern’s media groups. It’s possible that this has already begun. But if you can see them, it’s already too late.
In closing, we would like to reiterate that Schapiro is NOT Bigfoot, and that we are hereby retracting the $1,000,000 bounty that we placed on his head. If you have already claimed the alleged Bigfoot’s scalp and are reading this notice in extreme disappointment, try bringing it to the University Library instead. NU Archives loves putting kooky shit like that on display.