At press time, Morty had reportedly compiled a list of potential stage names for himself, with the frontrunner being “Mo Jonas”.
“We are honored to present Bandit ‘the Outdoor Roomba’ with this degree,” stated university President Morton Shapiro, “this little trash thief is singlehandedly reducing each of our carbon footprints and we feel it’s time to recognize his achievements.”
“Furthermore, we believe that Morson’s humanities agenda influenced most, if not all, of Schapiro’s economic positions outlined in the book.”
To my knowledge, Morty is not black, or any other race other than white.
“His costume totally rejected gender binary,” said Veronica Keller, SESP ’20. “You honestly couldn’t tell if he was being slutty in a dude way or a girl way.”
Tuition Hike has already been met with intense scrutiny by some of the most renowned critics in the music industry.
Travolta pointed out academic buildings such as “Kierkegaard,” “Luddite,” “Annabel,” and, of course, “Trick Inspector.” The hopeful teenagers walked under “The Ache,” observed the beautifully painted “Rob,” and Instagrammed pictures of Chicago from the grassy “Lank Flank.”
Tears were shed as the hero of the day approached the microphone for a speech. Patricia Telles-Irvin was spotted comforting Pat Fitzgerald, softly purring, “There, there. Who needs the Big Ten? You got Maine and that was good!”
While Schapiro failed the definitive Packard-Woller Extraterrestrial Examination, the Tanzer-Pfaff Jewish Ratio found that the name “Schapiro” has the requisite 5:3 proportion of consonants to vowels, denoting a 78% probability of Jewishness.
As the only satirical newspaper on campus, The Northwestern Flipside feels proud (and obligated) to nominate its first annual Homecoming Court and recognize the most notable members of the Northwestern and surrounding Evanston community.