SOCHI, RUSSIA — Failing to meet the precedent set in previous Winter Olympics, spectators and athletes alike have bemoaned the poor showing of this year’s The Most Dangerous Biathlon, in which only twelve of the nearly forty athletes were killed.
The Most Dangerous Biathlon is a variant of the traditional skiing/shooting competition. Rifles are upgraded from .22 to .30-06 caliber ammunition, the “penalty loop” is removed, and the targets are placed on competitors’ backs. The event has an illustrious history dating back to the 1960 Winter Games in California, when Olympic host and US Vice President Richard Nixon personally wiped three names off of his Enemies List.
This year’s inauspicious showing was evident from the very first moment, with the botched execution of last-place Biathlete Doriano Barzetti. Olympic referee Alexei Sokoloff mistakenly drew his starter’s pistol instead of the Traditional Olympic Glock (brought to you by OMEGA™), and after a humiliating three attempts to shoot Barzetti with blanks, was forced to beat the man to death with his bright orange pistol.
Rumors that referee Alexei Sokoloff was later found dead in his apartment were ruled untrue and traced back to satirical website The Daily Currant. Sokoloff was actually found dead at the bottom of the slope, where he had been publicly executed by Vladimir Putin moments after the event.
Finishing with three confirmed kills, Norwegian athlete Viktoria Wolff took the gold, a major upset over American favorite Thad Pearson, who foolishly attempted to take an early lead. Officials were unable to award the qualifying kill to any athlete, as the American was later recovered with eight shells in his back. Further tarnishing the event, Polish competitor Filip Kosmatka was stripped of his silver medal after testing positive for Kevlar body armor.
Despite the frustrations and controversies, most spectators left the stadium content.
“It’s always a good choice to hold The Most Dangerous Biathlon last,” BBC sports reporter Selina Ramsey explained. “After three weeks of numbing winter events, everyone’s secretly hoping for a little bloodshed to satisfy their baser animal urges.”
“After all, isn’t that really what athletics are all about?”