BREAKING: Caitlyn Jenner Just Sneezed
By Michael Campbell
AMERICA — Following her famous photoshoot for Vanity Fair, media sources have confirmed that Caitlyn Jenner has indeed just sneezed. Already social media sites such as Twitter and Facebook are filled with thousands of conversations about Jenner’s most recent accomplishment.
CNN analyst Leisha Rosenburg explained the power of Jenner’s sneeze in her popular news-hour, Pay Attention to Me. “[Jenner] is making a powerful statement against all transphobic people out there. Like, hey, look at me! I’m a woman and I sneeze! Each individual particle expelled from her body is a slap in the face to those backwards neoconservatives and the world supports her.”
Other big-name news analysts such as Fox News Correspondent Richard Capalos, disagree about the message Jenner is sending. On his show No No No No No I’m Right he stated, “That wasn’t a real sneeze. If you want to see a true American sneeze, just look at our troops. When they sneeze you can be sure someone will say ‘bless you’ because they’re the ones on the front lines serving our country. If I could hand a tissue to each of those heroic soldiers I’d feel not only accomplished as an American but as a lover as well. The patriotism-induced erection is sure to produce some true American babies. They’re the real heroes, our children.” Following these conclusions, Capalos proceeded to inform The Flipside that icebergs can’t sink steel ships and that Monsanto is sneaking estrogen into your corn.
Multiple entertainment television networks have also latched onto the hype surrounding Jenner’s every move. E! Entertainment has already announced production of three new reality shows following Caitlyn Jenner. E! has promised to broadcast every sneeze, cough, and otherwise normal act flawlessly performed by Jenner.