EVANSTON — A recent study by the Northwestern Psychology department has shown that many Northwestern students can be pretty dumb, despite the fact that they are commonly considered to be among the brightest young adults in the nation. “Most students believe that because they got into this school, they must be geniuses, yet the results of this study have shown otherwise,” said study director Dr. Adam Critter.
In his research, Dr. Critter has studied numerous incidents where Northwestern students have repeatedly done things that are “just plain stupid.” Examples include Northwestern students lighting their rooms on fire, as well as leaving their expensive winter coats unattended in public and being surprised when they’re stolen. Perhaps worst of all, he found that a good percentage of students are taking five classes under the delusion that “they can handle it.”
“I mean, who does this sort of stuff,” questioned Critter, “I thought these kids were supposed to be the future of America or something.”
Following the recent study, the Psychology department has begun investigating each school to see which students are more prone to be idiots. Preliminary findings indicate that students in McCormick are less likely to be stupid as “they just spend most of their time doing work.” Meanwhile, the School of Communication appears to contain the stupidest Northwestern students, as Critter found that “they all think that they’ll be successful Broadway stars or movie producers in the future, which is clearly just stupid thinking to begin with.”