Putting one’s head inside a running microwave could allegedly, maybe, possibly cause cancer.
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“Such emails serve absolutely no purpose, other than reminding the majority of students how shitty they are for not reading whatever book it was that they were supposed to.”
“Whenever I put them on I can feel the increase in testosterone and dopamine immediately. Yesterday I wore them and I chucked my Sperry’s at the TV.”
Vestie and the rest of the faculty are currently working on a whole-brain engineered solution to the fact that a large portion of Northwestern students are not capable of healthy social interaction.
A new study published in the Daily Northwestern has revealed that you are neither academically nor socially good enough to go here.
According to onlookers, the UChicago adjunct balled up his fist—full of scientific curiosity—and punched the “already-sobbing, tomato-faced little shit” square in the face.
“Any more than a couple swipes and I immediately value you less as a human being. I’m kind’ve ruthless.”
CLEVELAND – From the ashes of recent tragedy, a new study out of Case Western Reserve University seems to confirm the not-wholly-unexpected fact that theatre majors are, indeed, flammable. The experiment sparked national attention when it was first published in the journal Annals of Internal Medicine earlier this month, taking heavy criticism for its potentially discriminatory attitude towards ESFJs—as measured by Myers-Briggs—and for its possibly unethical potential for grievous bodily harm caused by combusting theatre majors. Working off preliminary data
In his research, Dr. Critter has studied numerous incidents where Northwestern students have repeatedly done things that are “just plain stupid.”
“The results of this study were exactly what we expected.”