Area Virgin Grabs 19 Free Condoms

EVANSTON — Local virgin John Losen, SESP ’19, was reportedly seen strutting out of the Multicultural Center with 19 free condoms. “They were just sitting in a bowl right by the door, and I have this thing with a girl coming up, so I figured why not,” said Losen.

Losen has reported that since he asked a girl out for coffee on Valentine’s Day, he thought it was important that he was prepared for all possibilities. “I mean, she’s pretty into me,” said the chaste freshman, “and I’m pretty sure were going to bang after that Starbucks meetup.” Losen has also confirmed that he took exactly 19 condoms because he believes that “for my first time, why not go 19 times,” and then preceded to give the reporter an uncomfortable wink.

When Flipside reporters asked Losen’s supposed date, Jenny Wicken, about their Valentine’s Day plans, she stated, “I thought we were just going to go and study for our Econ test.”

Following Valentine’s Day, Losen narrated to the reporter about how spectacular his date went and tried to casually mention that his floor was covered in condom wrappers. However, Losen’s roommate, Louie Bangson, reported that “he spent the night alone, but man, when I asked for a condom he had me covered, and me and my girl were at it all night.” Bangson also stated that Losen left an open condom wrapper on his bed to deny the accusations, but Bangson told the Flipside that “he ain’t fooling anyone.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.