iPhone Ruined as FBI Waterboards Siri

GUANTANAMO BAY – “We didn’t see the problem at the time,” The FBI announced at a press conference, holding a still-wet iPhone suspended in a bag of uncooked rice. Recently, the U.S. Government requested that Apple make a backdoor operating system for the IPhone, invoking the Government Can Do Whatever It Wants act of 1789. Apple refused to comply. Reports indicate this is when the U.S. Government decided to employ controversial interrogation techniques. The details of the information extraction technique have been released. The following is a direct quote from agent Smith. Warning: graphic content.

“First we asked nicely, hoping that the honor of aiding the U.S. Government in an important investigation would be enough incentive for Siri to provide us with the information. We were unsuccessful, so we moved on to the classic Good Cop, Bad Cop routine. Siri just began to beatbox. We needed a more aggressive technique. Now I know that we have received criticism in the past for suspicion of waterboarding, but in this situation we had no other options. We would pour water over the face, wait for a sizzling sound, and then request information. Siri was still uncooperative. We made several attempts, until the subject turned blue and grew unresponsive. We still hope we can save her, the information she might hold is of grave importance to our society. Apple, if you’re listening, it didn’t have to end this way.”

About the Author

Lena Goren
Lena's personality largely stems from her upbringing as the 12th out of 17 children. She has never eaten macaroni or been to Idaho, but she's a loving mother and avid banjo player. Her favorite banjo song is "Go Tell It on the Mountain," which she often performs as a duet with singer-songwriter Nicki Minaj. Lena has a nasty disorder causing her to impulsively throw everything disc-shaped. Lena's real name is Barbara, but if you call her by her real name she turns to stone. Lena is actually the only female licensed plumber in her home town, and Boy, does she plumb!

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