PA Group Found Dead in Human Knot

By Alex Spungen

Late last Thursday evening, a maintenance crew made a surprising discovery after unlocking a jammed door in the basement of Tech. According to a preliminary medical examiner’s report, PA Group 193 perished in LB13 after remaining there for over five weeks.

When they were discovered, all 14 students (plus the Peer Advisor) were holding each other’s hands in a jumbled mess of bodies. At first, the maintenance crew thought the students were participating in some kind of “satanical” ritual. Brian McNulty, one of the workers who found Group 193, described the scene as “the single most confusing thing I have ever stumbled upon.” Upon further examination, it appears the PA group died of starvation, tangled in the common icebreaker known as “The Human Knot.”

The only food found in the room was a limited supply of Oatmeal Raisin granola bars provided by the PA of the group, but these went largely uneaten because not even teenagers dying from starvation would eat them.

Social Psychologist Arthur Sanders speculated, “This is all classic Stanley Milgram. The PA was obviously a figure of authority in her group’s eyes. They may have simply been too intimidated to break with the group.” Frightened and unable to solve this elementary game, the 14 freshman held on until their ends.

While the names of Group 193 have not been released to the public, awaiting notification of next of kin, the PA has been described before as “dangerously overenthusiastic,” citing complaints from past students who had been glued together for the Human Knot.

As far as can be determined, this is the first reported case of a PA’s enthusiasm for team bonding literally scaring students to death.

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