UChicago Lifts 127-Year-Old Social Ban

A week after Northwestern’s Interfraternity Council lifted its 9-week-old social ban on Greek-sponsored parties, University of Chicago administrators announced today that they too would be ending their university’s social ban, which has been in place for the entirety of the school’s 127-year existence.

“When we put the social ban in place, we were very concerned about the prevalence of sexual assault, along with race-mixing and Spanish imperialism.” University of Chicago President Robert J. Zimmer said. “Since then, I think we’ve made considerable progress in advancing gender equality, from increased sexual assault education at fraternities to women gaining the right to vote. This felt like the right century to lift the ban.”

Though the social ban, implemented during the Benjamin Harrison administration, had survived the Roaring Twenties, Prohibition, and the Sixties Counterculture, its sudden end has left many students wondering what the future holds.

“I always thought of college parties as an abstract concept, like Dasein in Martin Heidegger’s ontology or a good Laplacian matrix. I guess now I’ll get to see what they’re all about,” said University of Chicago sophomore Drake Romano.

Several fraternities at the university have pointed out that they’ve held parties for many years, but officials have responded that those parties were way too lame to count as social events and so never violated the ban.

About the Author

Michael Miller
Michael Miller is a graduate of the Culinary Institute of America, where he wrote a thesis on the merits of Dippin' Dots. It was wildly unpopular in the scientific community, as most readers preferred Fro-Yo. He enjoys salad with grapes, but without the salad parts, and the grapes are fermented. He enjoys glasses of wine. The most shocking part of Michael's life is that he is an avid St. Louis Cardinals fan. Michael hopes to one day open a Dippin' Dots stand in Busch Stadium sot hat he can provide The Ice Cream of the Future to his brothers in red.

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