Tag Archives: parties

Northwestern Student Not Invited To Enough Parties To Have Drinking Problem

Surveys conducted by HPaW reveal that a shocking 31% of Northwestern students have a dangerously low blood alcohol content which coincides with a precipitous decline in the population’s party invites. The social capital of students with functioning livers is apparently critically low. “It’s a self-perpetuating cycle,” Mason Wincheski, Weinberg junior, sighs as he wipes a small paper cut with a disinfectant wipe in the desperate hope to get alcohol into his system. “Everyone knows anyone worth anything has an unhealthy

UChicago Lifts 127-Year-Old Social Ban

A week after Northwestern’s Interfraternity Council lifted its 9-week-old social ban on Greek-sponsored parties, University of Chicago administrators announced today that they too would be ending their university’s social ban, which has been in place for the entirety of the school’s 127-year existence. “When we put the social ban in place, we were very concerned about the prevalence of sexual assault, along with race-mixing and Spanish imperialism.” University of Chicago President Robert J. Zimmer said. “Since then, I think we’ve

Editorial from a Prospie: “You Guys, I Totally Drink”

Hey guys! Sorry, I’m little hungover from the two handles of beer I had last night. I mean, that doesn’t even compare to the time my mom bought me vodka. I had three shots! Shit got so crazy, I can’t even tell you. (Except I’m going to tell you.) So me and my bros were just chilling when my ‘rents were out to dinner, and we were getting kind of bored so I was like, “Yo, bros, let’s get schwasty.”