Editorial from a Prospie: “You Guys, I Totally Drink”

Hey guys! Sorry, I’m little hungover from the two handles of beer I had last night. I mean, that doesn’t even compare to the time my mom bought me vodka. I had three shots! Shit got so crazy, I can’t even tell you. (Except I’m going to tell you.)

So me and my bros were just chilling when my ‘rents were out to dinner, and we were getting kind of bored so I was like, “Yo, bros, let’s get schwasty.” We went so HAM on my mom’s cooking brandy and the rum my Dad brought back from Grand Cayman! But then we left, like, a little bit left in each bottle so my parents totally wouldn’t find out. (Except somehow they did find out, and I got in so much trouble that my curfew got changed from 11 to 9.)

College is going to be awesome though! I’m definitely going to all of the frat parties. Like, I’ve already met bros from Circle-with-a-line-through-it Triangle and Backwards-three X, and I know they’ll invite me. I’m going to butt chug beer, which is when you put a beer in your back pocket for later and then you drink it. I’m also going to play tons of pong; I’m so good at pong that I always get the ball in the middle cup on the first turn. They call that the “bitch cup” because of all of the bitches you score for being so good at pong. Oh, and I’m definitely going to play slap cup; I’m the best at slapping cups out of people’s hands when they’re least expecting it. People laugh so hard when their clothes are soaked in cheap beer!

So guys, you should totally hit me up on campus in the fall. I’m definitely going to be the person they’ll let in at all the parties, especially because I’ll bring my huge group of guy friends with me. I even know where Garnett is (right next to Tech! It’s kind of weird they’d have parties in a church, but NU bros go hard everywhere, like me.)

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